Worst case senario

My biggest fear in this company, above the stage fright, is the WHAT IF.

   What if I can't get over my fears and doubts? What if I fail at this? What if my family is right? What if I'm just a face in the crowd cheering others on as they win  and  advance?

    Today, several people from my office went to Martha's Vineyard as winners of a contest. Last month, I won the contest. I know I have it in me to win right? I did it once.  In my head I was going to win the vineyard too, but I didn't. Didn't fight, didn't try hard enough. Gave up too soon . It is like my drive disappeared, like I was just a flash in the pan. I hated how I felt last night, knowing I was missing out. Because if there is one thing worse than never winning;, it is winning the first time and failing the next. 

    There has to be a way to succeed and rise above my doubt and be the winner that lives in my heart. Failure isn't an option, therefore fear must be conquered.

    

self doubt is a horrible thing.

Saturday, my team is heading to Martha's Vineyard for a day as a contest for hitting the numbers.  I had a list, I had a group of 10 possible appointments, and I took it out 4 days in a row to make the calls, and I looked at them, and they were all friends of the family, Friends my mother had suggested to me, and I dialed, and never hit send. I did this repeatedly, and never made the call. I don't know why, but the thought of calling these people I know, is 10,000 times more terrifying to me than if i was doing this with a list of complete strangers. What if i don't do the right thing? Say the right thing? I am always scared of No, because no feels like i failed, feels like i didn't make it. No feels like i'm doing something wrong, and I hate NO. What do i have to lose? If they say no, tomorrow they forget i even called, but i can't seem to push past it. I need to push past it.
     For many years i have been filled with self-doubt.  I remember getting on stage as a 10 year old kid, and being SOOOOO sure that my piece was going to be awesome, until i got up there, started singing and didn't even finish the 1st verse before completely losing my place and forgetting all of my words. I remember the embarassement and frustration as i walked off the stage and made my way as politely as i could to the bathroom to cry, followed a few weeks later by my sister and I's piano teacher telling me " Now Therese, i will see you next year, and Mary, you can maybe stay home and help mommy clean" These two, seemingly meaningless experiences have made a deep mark on my life, and Stage fright has been a huge problem.
    I know in my head that I need to push past this fear, and push past the doubt if i want to make a good, solid, financially secure life for myself. I will do it, it may take a long time, but i NEED to do this.  I have lost my chance at Martha's Vineyard, and Will be kicking myself on Saturday, but I don't make a habit of beating myself up in vain. I WILL be setting appointments and going on appointments saturday while they are enjoying The Vineyard, because I will not feel this way In February when Hawaii comes around.
    I pray that God give me the courage to rise above my doubt and fear and give me the grace to say the right things. Here's to a Bright Future.

The Purpose

I decided to write this blog, as a way to look back and see where I was, where I am, What i've changed, and where i'm going to go on this crazy journey I've started.  I felt that with all the bad news bears out there who have nothing good to say about the company I work with, it was time to get some good news about Primerica and the Opportunity they offer. Where else in today's society can you be handed such an incredible opportunity and gift. I mean it really is a gift. When so many hate their day to day lives because they cannot afford to live them, it is a gift to be given the chance to change that, to make your dream reality. I for one will not be passing up this chance that's been given me!

    The posts previous to this, are all the posts from my old journal about my experiences and thoughts since coming into Primerica. Though they were set up through my regular day by day journaling, I wanted to concentrate them all into one place for me to look back on, and I hope you'll enjoy reading them, and maybe get yourself inspired to attempt greatness for yourself!
   This is my account of my journey to the American Dream through the Primerican Dream!
  Keep Dreaming!!

A Letter To Myself ..10 yrs from now

*orig.Date 7/2/13

*we were discussing a book on becoming successful at work, and one of the action plans it says to do, is to write a letter to someone 5 -10 years into the future detailing the successful life you have had. This is my letter to my future friend. I went with 10 yrs*


My Dear Friend,
    I can't believe how quickly the time has gone by! I feel like it was just yesterday that we sat down for a dream session over cappuccino's. How are your plans going?
      I have had so much success in my business with Primerica! I am now an RVP and have the most wonderful team working with me! We just got back from a wonderful company trip to Hawaii! They are always the best! Chilling on a beach in Waikiki with some of the biggest names in Primerica drinking by the ocean talking shop with these people only drives my desire to become great! I am so happy I was introduced to this company!
      Looking back i laugh, because i remembered trying to figure out where the loop hole was for 6 months after signing on. I was just waiting for the scam to rear it's ugly head and it never did.  What a fool i was to waste that time on my business. It made my life that much more difficult to get things going. I thought i'd never see my first recruit, never see my district promotion. I was only doing it as a part time, spare cash thing. How silly I was. The effort i put into this work, have left me openings to pursue what I have always wanted, a music teaching career.
       Remember that Music school I was talking about starting? I did it!  There was a building downtown that was for sale, so i went to check it out, and it is PERFECT!!! Plenty of space to put in an auditorium and several smaller rooms for classrooms, a shop for material, and maybe even a little coffee shop for musicians to perform! We are starting small, there are 5 of us on the payroll. A Strings teacher, a piano teacher, a drum guy, Brass player, and my good friend came on board as our house woodwind instructor! We haven't reached the point where I can provide students with ownership of instruments, but we are able to provide free lessons as long as parents put a deposit on the instruments! It's not exactly what i had planned, but it is a start. A few years down the road it will continue to grow into greatness i'm sure! One day, I will be able to offer lessons, and students can own their instruments for whatever their parents can afford to donate. No child will be left without music in their lives for want of money as far as i'm concerned.
       I finally made it to Ireland! I met those cousins of my grandparents, and they were wonderful!! I decided on my visit, that I would dearly love to own property there, now i do! I got my dual citizenship in place last summer and Recently purchased 10 acres of land.One day I will build a home there, but for now, i have  a wee piece of the emerald Isle to call my own, and that, is lucky enough!.\ You should come to Ireland with me some day, it is incredible!
       I have a house now!!! I moved to Pennsylvania near my family, and purchased a nice 4 bedroom home on 2 acres with an in-ground pool, in a beautiful area with lots of woods and a beautiful view of the mountains! I love being near my family! It's a different world! I'm the cool cousin still ( a title i have managed to maintain since getting my liscense and driving down there on my own at 18yrs old) I can take my younger cousins out to lunch, and i'm going to be taking my cousin Grace out for her prom dress tomorrow! I cannot believe she is going to PROM!? I remember when she was born! This is the way God intended life to be! Being able to provide for my family, living worry free and enjoying life to the fullest!
           I can't believe that 10 years ago, I was drowning in student loans and credit card debt, living with my parents,working 3 jobs to make ends meet! Today, I sit here in front of my fireplace writing to you, debt free, with so many of my dreams coming true! I would never have believed there was a way to be a music teacher and make a 6 figure income! I am so incredibly blessed to be here, to have been given the opportunities I have, to have had the support of friends and colleagues when it seemed impossible, and to have people like you, to dream with! I hope to hear from you soon, and hear about all the dreams and things going on with you!!
  
        Until our next dream session
           Your Kindred Friend
                     Mary
   

Reflecting on the Weekend Dreaming of the Future

*Orig.Date 6/16/13

I'm riding on a bus, somewhere in Maryland, 15 hrs into a 20 hr bus ride, reflecting on the many things that happened in the past week....

    Monday morning, I found myself staring at a one-way bus ticket to Atlanta for that night, a bill for a hotel I couldn't figure out how to pay for, and a bank account that reflected it all. The only thing I knew was, I was getting on the bus, and I would figure it out.

      Over the course of 36hrs, I left Hartford CT and arrived in Atlanta GA. Checked into my hotel at 12pm, explored a little HOTlanta, and decided to get myself psyched for the awesome day ahead of me.

     Over the last 3 days, I have attended some of the most moving, motivating, and encouraging workshops and lectures I have ever Heard. Men and women who have risked everything they had at the chance to make something of themselves and to build a legacy for their families in the future. Hearing all these people (hundreds of them) who have been able to make wonderful lives, who do what they want, when they want and who do not have to request time off, or worry about getting back by work on Monday. It was inspiring. To me though, the even more inspiring part was listening to the beginnings they started with. Having no others in their business, having few people involved, problems that arose along the way. I felt like some of their stories reflected my current situation, some even worse. 

     One thing that I realized while I was there was that I was in Primerica, but not really IN Primerica. I showed up when I could, I asked people I knew, but didn't really break out of my comfort zone. I don't think I had really allowed myself to believe in my own possibilities. If I believed in my own possibility, there would be no comfort zone, no boundary between me and my gaol. How is it different today than last Monday when I boarded a bus bound for Atlanta? Why is it going to be different back home? How do I know I will keep this fire burning? Because, there was a point this conference where I actually allowed myself to imagine the possibility of being one of these wealthy people. So much so that I cried at the feeling of being on the stage, of being the person my family can come to in need, of being able to provide a better life for my future family then my current one. One of the speakers asked " if you could pick a job for your children, would you want them to have yours?" I don't have children, but if I did, I would not want them seeing my pharmacy job as the way things should be, I would want them to see endless possibility, with no debt, and the freedom to control their own lives. When they did the hall of fame inductees at the end of the conference, I imagined myself there one day, I then painted myself into that situation, and completely felt it. From the joy, the pride in my team and myself, knowing where I started to where I came to, and finally knowing, I had made it.

That is why I'm here, that is why I will fight for this, that is why I WILL SUCCEED.

THIS IS MY MOMENT.

" the goal was impossible to reach, but we did it anyway"-Arthur Williams

Why Quitting isn't an option

*orig.date 5/6/13

 A few weeks ago, I was asked to write down 10 reasons why I'll do what it takes to become successful.
   I can honestly say that making this list was harder then i thought it would be.

   10 Reasons why I'll Do What it takes

1. I don't want my future to be like my past and I want my financial future to be better then my parents was.

2. I won't miss out on being with my family because my boss won't give me time off.

3. I want to be able to live in Pennsylvania and provide for my parents and grandparents.

4. I want to open a community music school with free tuition and instrument ownership.

5. I need to prove to myself and my family that this is possible and that I WILL be successful.

6. There are too many people I care about who are headed for financial disaster.

7. I don't want to be restricted by a boss other than myself

8. I want to teach music and still be able to live a comfortable Life.

9. I want to travel through Europe for a year and need to be bill free and debt free to do it,

10. Because I've already given up too many hopes and dreams to quit on myself again.

 Come hell or high water, whether it takes me another year, or five, I am tired of failure, I am fed up with losing. I have an opportunity to make an incredible living for myself and i'm going to take this!!

A weekend to remember

*orig.date 4-29-13

   " WHen you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen"-Emerson

 My weekend went as follows:

    Friday:

     5:30am- get up, pack, go to school

     9:25am- class

     10:30-P.R meeting for band

     1:00- Percussion Dress rehearsal

      3:30- Percussion concert ( which made me lose a ride to cape cod because they changed it)

      6:00- get home, find out that i can get a ride to cape cod-more to come

Saturday:

     2:45am- Get in the car to drive to cape cod

      5:30am- Arrive at hotel, admire ocean, 

      7:00- Get up, get dressed, and go to meeting

      3:00pm DRIVE LIKE MAD to make it home in time to get changed and be at dress rehearsal for 6

      6:15- Run to dress rehearsal

      7:30- Concert of epic proportions

      11pm- CRASH

Sunday:

      8:30am- for some god forsaken reason awake

      11- Church

       1:00- drive to west hartford to meet friend for carpool

       3:00- CTNAFME state council meeting 1

       4-6 CTNAFME state council meeting 2

       

 " When you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen" These words have always sounded great, but i have often doubted their truth, that is until this weekend. You see, there was a work event in cape cod this friday-saturday, and i was desperately trying to get there.  That being said, i had a concert on friday, and a dress rehearsal saturday morning. this was not going to work out for me. Well, Thursday night, my choral director said he was cancelling our AM dress rehearsal. WAHOO.  Well, my car is messed up, and was certainly not making it to Cape Cod and back, so I was attempting to get a ride from someone else going who could go after my concert, Until they moved the concert to 3:30 instead of 3 and then added another ensemble.  When i realized that i would not make it out of school in time to catch a ride, i was so frustrated and cursing fate in my head.  I sent the messages telling my uplines that I was not going to make it down and I was sorry, and then messaged the girl i was sharing a room with.  This is where my weekend turned around! She told me that she had to come back this way and could pick me up and bring me to the event.! " When you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen" I was overjoyed. I haven't missed one of these events since i started with this company last june, and was not ok with missing it.  Well, she came back for me, but got here at 2:45am, we got in the car, somehow managed to stay awake, and made it back to Cape Cod in time to see the sun begin to rise over the ocean

As soon as i shut my eyes, i was up again at 7am and it was time to get dressed, and head down to the Saturday events ( which were incredible)

We are launching a new product at the end of the year, and I was literally salivating at the concept and the success i'm sure it is going to have! I cannot wait to be able to offer this service to my clients!

Our team won attendance awards in all but 1 category, which is amazing! i am so proud of these people, and so proud to be working with them on their team. I hope that in the near future, my actions will make them as proud of me as i am of them!

Then of course, after miraculously making it home without me or my friend falling asleep, it was another dress rehearsal and a concert that went so amazingly well! It's a great life when you can go from an awesome weekend of learning to an awesome night of singing!!!!

Today was much more low key, just some studying, and a 2 meetings with the CTNAfME collegiate council.

I'm still not sure how this weekend worked out so well from beginning so horribly, but it is true, so often in this endevour i have taken up, i feel like i was constantly coming up against road blocks, this weekend, the universe let me have my meager success, and i look forward to the future success that awaits.

" When you make a decision, the Universe conspires to make it happen"- Emerson