Worst case senario

My biggest fear in this company, above the stage fright, is the WHAT IF.

   What if I can't get over my fears and doubts? What if I fail at this? What if my family is right? What if I'm just a face in the crowd cheering others on as they win  and  advance?

    Today, several people from my office went to Martha's Vineyard as winners of a contest. Last month, I won the contest. I know I have it in me to win right? I did it once.  In my head I was going to win the vineyard too, but I didn't. Didn't fight, didn't try hard enough. Gave up too soon . It is like my drive disappeared, like I was just a flash in the pan. I hated how I felt last night, knowing I was missing out. Because if there is one thing worse than never winning;, it is winning the first time and failing the next. 

    There has to be a way to succeed and rise above my doubt and be the winner that lives in my heart. Failure isn't an option, therefore fear must be conquered.

    

self doubt is a horrible thing.

Saturday, my team is heading to Martha's Vineyard for a day as a contest for hitting the numbers.  I had a list, I had a group of 10 possible appointments, and I took it out 4 days in a row to make the calls, and I looked at them, and they were all friends of the family, Friends my mother had suggested to me, and I dialed, and never hit send. I did this repeatedly, and never made the call. I don't know why, but the thought of calling these people I know, is 10,000 times more terrifying to me than if i was doing this with a list of complete strangers. What if i don't do the right thing? Say the right thing? I am always scared of No, because no feels like i failed, feels like i didn't make it. No feels like i'm doing something wrong, and I hate NO. What do i have to lose? If they say no, tomorrow they forget i even called, but i can't seem to push past it. I need to push past it.
     For many years i have been filled with self-doubt.  I remember getting on stage as a 10 year old kid, and being SOOOOO sure that my piece was going to be awesome, until i got up there, started singing and didn't even finish the 1st verse before completely losing my place and forgetting all of my words. I remember the embarassement and frustration as i walked off the stage and made my way as politely as i could to the bathroom to cry, followed a few weeks later by my sister and I's piano teacher telling me " Now Therese, i will see you next year, and Mary, you can maybe stay home and help mommy clean" These two, seemingly meaningless experiences have made a deep mark on my life, and Stage fright has been a huge problem.
    I know in my head that I need to push past this fear, and push past the doubt if i want to make a good, solid, financially secure life for myself. I will do it, it may take a long time, but i NEED to do this.  I have lost my chance at Martha's Vineyard, and Will be kicking myself on Saturday, but I don't make a habit of beating myself up in vain. I WILL be setting appointments and going on appointments saturday while they are enjoying The Vineyard, because I will not feel this way In February when Hawaii comes around.
    I pray that God give me the courage to rise above my doubt and fear and give me the grace to say the right things. Here's to a Bright Future.